Too Damn Early

Yes I'm blogging at 6:30 in the morning. If you read the True or False post, you realize I am NOT a morning person. I've been awake since, oh, 5:00 (that's A.M. folks). I finally decided to just get up. Let's see, list of depression symptoms (off the top of my head):

1. change in sleep? a (waking up all night long is not fun)
2. reduced interest in previously enjoyed activities? a (I used to be able to read a book in a couple of days. Now? IF I get through one it takes weeks)
3. sadness lasting longer than 2 weeks? a (BLAH!)
4. change in appetite? r (I could only be so lucky to lose my appetite)
5. thoughts of death or suicide? r (I'm not stupid people)
6. reduced ability to concentrate? a(Yeah, I'm convinced I've developed ADD)
7. being a complete lazy ass? aa(Nobody buy me a gym membership for awhile okay?)

About two years of this is about to drive me crazy. Stupid thing is, I know that exercise makes me feel better (it kept the depression from about killing me about a year ago). I just can't seem to get moving. I actually get anxiety thinking about working out. Of course, I get anxiety thinking about driving on Highway 235 instead of Highway 135 so I'm a little nutty. Chemical imbalance is an odd thing. To think how important all that seretonin and stuff is up there in your brain. It's a wonder anyone is "balanced". Eh, well. I've complained long enough. I might as well get ready for work.

True or False

I am a cuddler - Used to be false, but I think it might be changing to true!
I am a morning person - Completely false.
I am a perfectionist - So true that I drive myself crazy.
I am an only child - False, I have an older brother named Josh.
I am Catholic - Baptized Catholic...but now? False.
I am currently in my pajamas - True.
I am currently single - Actually FALSE!
I am currently suffering from a broken heart - FALSE!
I am okay at styling other people’s hair - This is so false, it's laughable.
I am left handed - True.
I am addicted to my myspace - False, but I do have a myspace page.
I am very shy around the opposite gender - Not once I know them, but I'm pretty shy around most people at first regardless of gender.
I bite my nails - False, most of the time.
I can be paranoid at times - True (are you looking at me?)
I currently regret something that I have said - False (not recently anyway).
When I get mad I curse frequently - False (dammit!)
I like someone - TRUE!
I enjoy country music - True, although I don't listen to it anymore.
I enjoy jazz music - False.
I enjoy talking on the phone - False, false, false. Did I mention false?
I have a pet - Yes and her name is Bailey.
I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal - Um...true?
I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” person - True unfortunately.
I have all my grandparents - True, thankfully, knock on wood.
I have at least one sibling - True.
I have been told that I am smart - True (duh).
I got higher than Cs in school - True (see above about perfectionism).
My GPA was higher then 2.5 - True (see above about perfectionism).
I have a broken bone - Most likely true! I broke my finger on New Year's Eve (don't ask) and it still hurts!
I have Caller I.D. on my phone - True dat.
I have bathed/showered with someone - True (ahem, sorry dad).
I have changed a diaper - True, although it's been a long time.
I have changed a lot over the past year - I wish this were true.
I have done something illegal - True (hey don't judge me!).
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair - True, you try not dyeing your hair when you start going gray at 16.
I have had surgery - True.
I have killed another person - False (this is not the illegal something mentioned earlier).
I have had my hair cut within the last week - False.
I have had the cops called on me - False (see, I'm not that bad).
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn’t - True, who hasn't?

The Cutest Baby on the Planet

The Zoo

I think penguins are so cute!

Baby prairie dogs!

Kinda looks like someone I work with.

Olivia the Giraffe and maybe momma

Hungry Hippo

Me and Jodi

Olivia lookin' good.

Olivia's cutie cousin Izzy

Me and Olivia

Olivia being adorable as always

Excitement

I am going to the zoo this afternoon with Jodi and Olivia, and Shelley and Izzy (Jodi's sister-in-law and niece). I'm super excited since I haven't been to the zoo in probably five years. Plus I get to hang out with friends and adorable babies. I brought my camera to work today so I can take plenty of pictures and will post them as soon as I am motivated to do it. This trip to the zoo couldn't have happened at a better time. My day really sucked yesterday and this will be just the ticket to get me out of this current fog. Look at the cuteness I get to see today!

Miss Olivia P

Miss Izzy Ann

ADD

I wonder if it's possible to develop ADD at age 30. If it's possible, then I may be proof. Lately, I have been feeling very attention-deficit. At work and at home. I know depression can affect your ability to concentrate, but man, this is ridiculous. At home, I have to have 5 or 6 things going at once because I flit from task to task, usually ending up not accomplishing anything other than a few hours on the Internet and dirtying up some dishes (that I invariably leave lying around the house irritating my parents who are starting to wonder when their 30-year-old daughter became 12 again). (No empty nest syndrome for them!)

I've come to accept that I will probably need anti-depressants for the rest of my life (along with steroids for asthma and thyroid hormones for hypothyroidism) due to a pretty long history of depression and anxiety on both sides of the family. I just wish I could find one that works magic. This most recent bout of depression has really got me down. Sometimes it's hard not to show it to the outside world, but I manage. I just wonder how much longer I can.

At First Sight?

Pessimist that I am, I've always discounted the possibility of "love at first sight." But what if it really is possible? Maybe not love exactly, but the knowledge that this person I just met is going to be a very important person in my life. Is it possible? I believe it just might be. I'm a romantic at heart I suppose, but never thought something like that would ever happen to me. Well, I think it did. Not recently, but more like a year and a half ago. Monday, November 6, 2006, if you want to know the date. I met a person who has become my best friend. A person who I can't imagine living a life without. A person who makes me laugh, who completes my sentences, who is passionate and caring although he tries to pretend he's not. A person who can make me the angriest I've ever been, but maybe also the happiest. There have been obstacles to overcome and there will be more in the future, but this person may end up being the one who fulfills all of my dreams for a happy and complete life. Only time will tell, and he may break my heart (again), but regardless of what happens, I will never regret meeting him and becoming his friend. Only time will tell, but I'm jumping in, willing to lose it all, to test this "at first sight" thing. Wish me luck.

Reminiscing

The day I brought Bailey home.

Mother's Day

My friend Jodi is a wonderful writer. Here is part of her blog today in honor of Mother's Day. She struggled with infertility for years, miscarried a triplet, lost her son Logan at one month and one day old and is brilliantly raising his micropreemie twin sister Olivia, who is the most awesome baby on the planet.

On this day, please enjoy your celebrations, tell your mother that you love her, but also say a prayer for those to whom motherhood is still a dream.

To the women unable to experience the joy of that pregnancy test finally being positive -

To the women exhausted by failed attempts month after month after month -

To the women who have experienced the pain of miscarriages -

To the women who have given birth to children and were never able to take them home -

To the women who have never held their child in their arms -

To the women whose children have gone before them to heaven -

To the women left heartbroken by failed adoptions -

To all of the 'mothers without children'. . .whatever the reason. . .Today, I honor YOU.

To my own mother I would like to say, "Thank you for being my mother, my confidante, my therapist, my caretaker and my friend. There are things I simply would not have been able to do on my own especially recently and your support makes all the difference in the world. Thank you for that."

Enough is Enough

Well, I am officially done being friends with the aforementioned friend. I took the advice of the majority of people who offered it and had a talk with her and was willing to give her another chance at being a better friend. Last night she blew her last chance. And I do mean she tanked. Badly. I called her last night to see what she was doing. She lied, badly. I told her give me a call if she decided to do something. She agreed. I went out with two other friends. Ran into friends of hers. She was out as well at a different bar. Enough said. End of story. Funny thing is, this time my feelings aren't even hurt. I refuse to take it personally. She's just a crappy person and an even crappier friend. We had a good run I guess.